“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare
I entered a new social situation with the belief that I was going in calmly rather than with my habitual tendency to be a bit too forthright and awkward. From childhood, I tend to push too hard. Also, I have a naivety that tells me - since I'm a nice person, I ought to be liked. My strong and naive persona worked in school. Afterwards, it began to work against me.
Over the years I found trust and peace, and subsequently, respect and self-dignity.
So I thought things would be okay, would be great.
They weren't, they aren't.
Everything heightened by my girl's own somewhat mirroring dilemma, and pushed along by my desire to make connections for her sake.
But, I'm on the other side of disappointment now. I've wriggled back into my skin.
.
Act without expectation.
Both Laozi and the Buddha have said similar. Usually connected to doing good acts without expecting rewards, but I feel it can have a wider application.
You've heard me say it before, when we strive or push for a particular outcome, we are blocking the natural flow of the dynamics.
So I will re-enter that situation truly calm. Calm not just in appearance but also in heart.
My friend and I were just speaking of your blog this afternoon. We love how with minimal words you convey so much. And just now I have sent a lengthy email to a friend and part of our discussion was about naivety opening us up to disappointment/hurt/confusion/surprise from others. Serendipitous! But I love your work you have done to try come out the other side. For that is what we have to do. And I actually think a bit of naivety is a sweet thing that we shouldn't ever try to rid ourselves of. Expecting the best of people is a far better way to live than only expecting the worst. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeletei have this strange bubble existence whereas i totally put myself 'out there', and yet am surprised when someone makes explicit to me that i am, well, OUT there. lol
Deletethank you for sharing those thoughts with me, you'll never know what they mean.
yes, i am grateful for my naivety, it's a perfect counter-balance to my cynicism. lol i do prefer meeting the world with the belief that i will be met with goodness. i give others the benefit of the doubt, until proven otherwise. it's got me into scrapes, but it's a lighter way to walk this road called life.
This is SO difficult to do, isn't it - to act without expectation? I think, everything (almost without exception) that I have planned and striven for has turned out to be either a prison or a burden. Nearly every opportunity (even those initially unwelcome ones) that I have at times reluctantly embraced have helped me grow and given me peace and freedom... and yet I STILL have that drive to plan and manipulate situations! It's utterly maddening!!
ReplyDeletethe universe has a way of saying - yeah yeah, you THINK you got it, try this situation on for size smartass!
Delete*sigh*
ReplyDeletetimely, as always...the Universe pulling me up short, just as i think i'm in charge again...;)
"when we strive or push for a particular outcome, we are blocking the natural flow of the dynamics." -- i probably ought to have this tattoo'd somewhere...
xoxo
LOL, on our foreheads!
Deleteexpectations are a struggle - I don't want them placed on my, but I find I too often place them on people and situations, because if things turned out the way I expect them to it certainly makes my life easier. But I'm always let down. I'm try to remind myself to just go with the flow and learn from everything. It's a continual process and reminder.
ReplyDeleteso sorry things didn't start off they way you hoped. but you're going through it with such authenticity and honesty, and that's beautiful.
yep, it's ongoing, ongoing, ongoing... :)
DeleteMonica, my father and I were just talking about this this weekend - act without expectation. I needed the reminder and hope to practice it more
ReplyDeleteSocial situations can be so sticky this way...And we do sometimes, in spite of our best intentions put subtle expectations on the outcome. I'm a recovering shy person. I was painfully shy all my growing up years and well into my 20's. A shy, nice person. It's only been now, during my 30's, that I've broken out of the shy mold and the more out-going part of me is starting to show. But some situations, usually social still trip me up. I try to just show up and see what happens. Most social situations I do that now--try not to think, do/be my best, just show up, be there. As we show up with our best to offer, we can only hope that others will bring their best. A heart with something to offer, that's what I like to think. So maybe there's some naivety in that. But that's OK too. ;o) Very inspiring this, Monica... ((HUGS))
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing with me your own social story :)
Deletei think i tried to turn up with me best. i like your very simple method better - just turn up, be there. that's what i'll be going for anyway.
I have always been socially awkward from early childhood. For the sake of my work, something else seems to take control, but I dont feel that i authentic when this occurs, just playing a role that makes others feel comfortable. I am slowly moving away from this but it is difficult, especially, when you are completely misread, and to make matters worse you end up trying to explain yourself or intentions, or worst yet, pull away completely.
ReplyDeletei have a super talent for being misread and misunderstood! lol like, sometimes it's quite hilarious, in a twisted sad way, how badly i can be misunderstood. certainly some sort of karmic thing going on.
DeleteI love how you say 'wriggled back into my skin'; that describes so well for me that feeling of coming back into myself after something has knocked me off kilter, however small.
ReplyDeleteThe lesson of not being attached to outcomes is sometimes very hard to learn in a way that sticks I find. Thank you for the reminder. x
PS. I love your use of a few words to convey so much, too.
I agree with our friend Shakespeare. (Of course is not easy at all to manage that)
ReplyDeleteBy walking and stumbling, with doubt after doubt, thinking and acting bravily our thoughts,
calmness in heart comes eventually...
"I am not afraid of anything, I don't hope for anything, I am free" _ Nikos Kazatzakis
.... I was talking a bit to myself here but I suppose that's the effect of a good post ;)
ReplyDeletehaha, and excellent quote too. 'i am free' certainly speaks loudly to me.
DeleteWhat a beautiful post and so. darn. true. I have to make a very intentional effort to quell every and any expectation, especially before entering a creative space. I want to drive the creation and tell it where to go, which never ends nicely. It's the beautiful letting go that allows the channel to open. And what a beautiful application to social situations and people, allowing others and myself to be what who we are, without force or manipulation. A lesson I am still learning in every threshold of my life. XO
ReplyDeleteYour on-line tribe are so loving and supportive.
ReplyDeleteI feel you can walk into any situation with a calm heart, you can be you and will be accepted for that given time, your little one too!
Hugs x
ah, if i could have all you lovely women around me, for a cuppa and a chat. how blissful life would be.
DeleteExpectations!!! We are always full of expectations...life is an everlasting expectation by itself! But they also keep us going.... But it's a lot better to just make what it's true to your heart hoping that the only expectation that could have been fullfilled was just the one of being grateful realizing that you were able to do it!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post!
story. of. my. life.
ReplyDeleteare you still blogging?
DeleteI love you, woman.
ReplyDeleteThis is so perfect for me tonight.
Always the one person/thing/review wanted the most, the one deemed "the most valid" is the one that gives thumbs down.
At least that was my experience today.
Smooch,
C.
and the blinding insight is somewhere in 'always'.
DeleteThat's some rough stuff you and your little one have been going through. I'm glad you are able to get some perspective on it. Much to ponder.
ReplyDeleteit is like swimming in the ocean, isn't it? deep breaths and back at it, resolute to simply be.)))
ReplyDeletexo
erin
(a cleansing of sorts, of self and path)))
ReplyDeleteHow often this has happened to me...And I am also having 'a time' over here as I re-adjust to my native land. I have yet to make a real connection for myself...most are for my son. How great would it be to make both at once? A girl can dream. Wishing you an in-the-flesh soulmate/playmate!
ReplyDeletethis just confirms what i was thinking about all week end. Be true to yourself, go with the flow, it’s all perfect just the way it is… if only to yourself.
ReplyDeletebeautiful wise and truthful words
ReplyDeletethank you
love and light
Glad you found your way back safely to your own skin. But you know that being a mamma will pull you out of that skin again and again and twist you every way it can.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong and wise, and you'll always be fine because of it.
As far as expectations go, I hear ya.
Think of the trees and plants that don't try to figure the outcome. They just push their new growth through the soil and reach for the sun...no expectations.
peace
and ... a soothing incense-burning photo - I love the colours. :)
ReplyDeletewhat a honest heart opening post.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing.
obviously, i agree to all said about expectations. but they are like glue, they stick to us...with ease..another challenge in life.
Have you used any Flower Remedies to help the emotions and characteristics?
ReplyDeleteI have become so socially inept, shy and awkward, that I try to avoid inflicting myself on people!
I hope the schooling all works out smoothly ~ it hurts so much when they hurt.
I would like to say that I have improved on having expectations, only by my own memory of saying out loud "I will not have any expectations." But it's the emotions of hoping, praying, wishing that can also cripple me at times. How can we not hope for the best when our children are off at school amongst people we don't truly know? I have been disappointed too many times to know that expectations still linger in the dark corners, leaping when I realize too late that I have expected too much, or even too little. This is how I gain insight though, to my fears, to my values, and of course to my hopes. Like fear, control, ego--- it's one thing to have expectations, and yet another to actually feed them.
ReplyDeletexo
(had to link to this post btw, I know you won't mind :)
"Act without expectation." So perfect, and so simple.
ReplyDeleteRonnie xo