self + stuff

I consider myself a non-materialistic person. My spirit understands that it's all temporal, that stuff can be a burden, and that Self is defined by what we do not what we own.

However....

Like most of us, I have moments of insecurity. I feel stressed, I feel frustrated, I feel a need for self-preservation..... I am human.

In those moments, I turn to the physical world for comfort. An immediate survival response. Point one is food, but point two is stuff.

I no longer feel I need to fix the food thing about myself, but rather that I have self-compassion, respect my Self's ability to survive, and then breathe and attempt a more beneficial choice, if possible at that time.

It's so easy to convince oneself of acceptable Stuff. My trick is pre-loved goods, charity or op shops, thrifting. Because I'm doing the earth and my wallet a Good Thing, right?

Other common tricks are Tools of the Trade. When accumulating the materials for your hobby is acceptable, because, well, it's going to be used for your hobby. So I find images online of artist's/crafter's studios lined to the ceiling with fabric, or paints, or stationary. Those are the images that are most often Pinned.

I find myself Home, one I fought for, one I waited for for 17 years. So there's a quiet desperation behind creating a nest, wanting to find my tribe, wanting to finally be myself, to dress my way without stares, to allow my throat to open without fear of ridicule or dismissal, expand and expand and expand.... to feel Home within as much as without. I shed a few tears as I share this with you.

So I stop and breathe now.

I know that Self and Home are not found in another hippie scarf or skirt, even thrifted ones. Relax Monica, I say, it's okay, Home is already here, and you're all the Self you need to be.