For the last 6 years or so I've battled with the right to be an artist, a writer, a Creative. And have been winning.
The most grueling wrestle is always with the Self. In my case, with limits, self-doubt, perfectionism....
Yet even when our battle is with external forces and the 'right' to do anything, the looming shadow of inner guilt can persist.
The nature of shadows binds them permanently to our being, but we can learn to assemble ourselves in the light a certain way so that theirs is the lesser form.
A shift, a trust, a small act of self-love.
It remains that there will be many who will disapprove, never understand, refuse to understand, judge against me. I'm ready now, finally, to leave that with them.
That story is their own.
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read: a russian affair, chekovtaste: chicken burritos, homemade
see: a summer certainty, paragliders over our home
hear: wasps
touch: reformatted pc (survived) + reminded by Imene to back-up the blog
think: of the complexities of our (full) return to uk
feel: ready
I'm so glad I am the first to respond, this post speaks straight to my heart. I too have shared those feelings for the most part of my life, has taken many years to learn gentleness and to except Self and the right to just be visible to the world as I am! x
ReplyDeleteoh Sue, yes yes, just as we are!
Deleteit seems so simple, but for many of us it has, and continues to be, a meandering mountain hike.
this post came a the most perfect moment. thank you! of course, I knew I am not the only one, but sometimes reading it, opens a door. much wider that you would have expected.
ReplyDeletethat brings me so much joy!
Deleteyes, there is intellectual knowing and then real heart-felt realisation.
The doorway sounds interesting! I hope it brings you lots of happiness. Sometimes our own self doubt is a much greater obstacle than those placed before us by others.
ReplyDeleteit's amazing how we are usually our own worst enemies, isn't it!?
ReplyDeleteThank you! Good for you. And I so needed to hear that today. Synchronicity at work again. I'm kind of coming to that point myself, yet am still in fear. Just putting one foot in front of the other at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI think you're going to be speaking to a lot of hearts here.
ReplyDeleteSelf-doubt and fear of judgement from others is a continual struggle. I've been making great strides the past couple of years to let the opinions of others not get to me (most of the time), but the self-doubt keeps creeping in.
A (full) return to UK. Does that mean you're moving back permanently?
it IS a journey. look at me, 40+ yrs alive and only just making big headway. lol
Deleteyes, we're moving back. just not straight-forward *roll eyes* :)
I was just glancing through my journal and found this:
Delete"care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner" Lao Tzu
what a dreadful thought, to be someone's prisoner
yes! it IS a prison, and of our own making.
Deletei think that most people are in one. whether we want the approval (and whether we're conscious of that or not) of our parents our spouses, our children, our friends, society at large..... most of us rarely have no chains.
for me, not so much wanting direct approval per se, but rather not to stand out somehow, to be judged as lazy/indulgent/etc, when everyone else is working so hard in Proper Careers, or whatever, and when i know i am not those things. yes, the injustice of that.
One thing that makes true artists so special, is their ability to use their innermost demons to create. As a mama, you try and keep those innermost demons at bay in order to be a care taker. It is hard to maintain both. I have recently started reading the book Art and Fear and has helped me much on the artist's front. I am so happy you are ready. How exciting for you! Here's to open doors...
ReplyDeletethat's an excellent point Jess. i don't try to put on a fake happiness for my girl, but a mama can't sink completely into darkness. fortunately this one was a blue melancholy rather than teeth-gnashing demons. lol
Deletewe all do it and have been there. now it is time to dream up big possibilites. best wishes.
ReplyDeletegive to yourself and surround yourself with people/thoughts that give light so then your flower will grow strong, if not, the shadows of doubts will loom over and block the light. embrace the warmth, your strength is in your roots and may you bloom brilliantly..boldly, to then share and show the world around you. xoxo
ReplyDeletelovely thoughts, thank you so much.
Deletei have found wisdom in the darkness, as long as we know how to climb out. ;)
I too have wrestled with allowing myself to be an artist.
ReplyDeleteYou are one. It shines through in every word, every picture, in your post.
That doesn't make it easy, but if that is who you are and can truly accept and embrace that (in sickness and in health) then it might make it a bit easier.
yes, thank you. allowing myself first. and then, letting go of other people's issues with it.
Deleteit isn't an easy wrestle, is it? and yet, once you're on the other side of the argument, you've made the decision, it's much easier to let go of what others thing, the tsk tsk whispered behind your back. embrace it, this new found freedom and sense of self and purpose. revel in it.
ReplyDeleteabsolutely. the toughest battle is trying to wrestle both. hence now being able to let go of others' thoughts on my life.
Deletereveling is good. :)
"A shift, a trust, a small act of self-love.
ReplyDeleteIt remains that there will be many who will disapprove, never understand, refuse to understand, judge against me. I'm ready now, finally, to leave that with them."
Oh Monica
I can't even begin to tell you how these words resonate with me and how much I needed to hear them from someone else...and you are someone I see as an artist, creator,writer.
as I write my memoir so many emotions come up for me...it is always before i sit down to write. While I write things flow, come easy and I love love love the way I feel. then I step away and the fears seep in. I face them, I embrace them, but they still remain and will until I finish and publish these words...I know that. it is jsut nice to hear form others that they face the same things, makes one feel less alone in theis journey of self expression, makes one feel more accepted in this place. So thank you for these beautiful words today, for indeed, this is an act of self love...indeed this memoir is all about Love...Love is why I am here.♥...and love is why you are here♥
It remains that there will be many who will disapprove, never understand, refuse to understand, judge against me. I'm ready now, finally, to leave that with them. Amen!
and so it is
love and light
i'm so glad Cat!
Deleteyes, sometimes a voice outside our own head can just help click into place what we already suspect within.
I just adore you ! Your writing, your blog, your photography, art-journalling, everything right down to your precious daughter is the result of your creative license. And even if you feel it a struggle sometimes, we see your true self shining through every. single. time. you come here.
ReplyDeleteI'd say you're about due for that shift of trust, the self-love....way to pass through that door Mon.
If others can't see it, then yes, sometimes there is no other way than to leave them to their own confusion.
thank you darlin'!
Deleteyes,it really is THEIRS isn't it. it's when we burden ourselves with everyone elses issues we become paralyzed to move in our own journey.
lots of love and beautiful thoughts already here...but i'll add in my own heaping serving of love anyway.
ReplyDeleteabsolutely hearing this....so, so, much....and i'm so beyond delighted for you.
congrats on the re-format....*phew*...mine is still on the injured list...lol.
xo
(clandestinely from work)
:)
'That story is their own' - lots of things we can apply that to, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteexactly! it's always that way.
ReplyDeleteno one "makes" us feel things, we choose to.
congrats,
XO
C
That story is their own. I need to remember this. Over and over. Your words are so very true for many of us. Thank you for sharing them. I am new to your blog and amd loving it!
ReplyDelete